if life is a highway... I musta took a wrong turn, cos NO highway is this rough & bumpy. It's blown out my tyres, shot my shocks, screwed my steering rods, split my tailshaft, cracked my muffler, ran outta petty, stuffed my engine & now my battery has died so there's no lights left. I'm in the middle of nowhere with ...no sign of even hitchin a ride. Come get me coyotes, cos I've had enough!!
The above is exactly how I am currently feeling. The last few weeks have been pretty crap house for me & it doesn't seem to be changing anytime soon. Let me rewind a tad, and get you up to speed.
I am a long term sufferer of depression, anxiety, dissociation & plus I also have Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar type 2. I see a psychiatrist montly & I'm on a waiting list for some kick ass therapy that should work wonders & get me back on track.
I have been going through a 'low' for quite some time recently & it's starting to escalate. The usual things that get me out of these 'lows' aren't working at the moment cos I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore.
The last few weeks have been pretty sucky to say the least. My psych has tried me on some meds to with the manic episodes. I have not seen my psych since I started the meds, but have had to stop takin them due to the awful side effects. I knew things weren't right when I spiralled downwards into bad depression, followed by suicide thoughts, all of which came on suddenly - around day 8 of taking the medication. The side effects pretty much wiped me out until I stopped takin them. I recently got a cold, which looks to have escalated into the flu or a possible chest infection. In between those two, there was a unit inspection from the real estate, who also handed me a tenancy termination notice. I knew the time to move was coming up, but now it's sooner than the new owners & real estate first told me. I have been trying to house hunt while sick which is by no means fun at all. There's already been 2 knock backs on applications :(
I was longing to live in a house this time, not a unit, so I could have my doggies with me. It's been almost 3 years now since I left them behind & they are all I want now. To top it off, a friend with whom was going to share a house so I could afford a house so I could have my doggies, went out a got herself a dog. So that is making finding a place so much harder now. Then yesterday, she had a mini meltdown & it looks like she won't move in now, cos 2 knockbacks & the fact she can't submit forms or look at places on her own, she says its too hard. Come off it. It's like I'm the one who has to do all the searching online, then all the running around & most of the time she isn't even contactable to arrange inspections of places. After telling her yesterday that I can't pick her up for the next inspection, that we will have to meet there, today she didn't even show up. I'm doing all the work load while I'm sick. Even if I find a place, I'll be packing & moving, then there's xmas. (a time of year I totally hate)
With the way I'm feeling right now, I'm in no position to making any rational decisions nor can I look after me correctly. I just don't care anymore. I've had enough of this sadness & shit. If only I can last long enough to get me through next week for when my next psych session is. I haven't even been totally honest with him either about how 'bad' things actually do get for me. I'm scared I'll be institutionalised cos I have NO ONE to care for me when I CAN'T. I hope the darkness subsides & the sun shines again.
I only stayed in Sutho, for the mental health care system. It's the best system in all of Australia. Now I just don't care & if I'm not gonna be around long term, I'd at least like to be around my family of pets before I leave this world. That means giving up my 'so called' life in Sydney & going back to where I truely call home, Brisbane.
Another thing that has gotten me down so much in the last few months is my mother & grandmother. I am totally hating on them right now. They drive all the way across Australia to WA...yet they won't even drive 7 hours south to visit me. Then they wonder why I don't even call them while they are away. It's not like they have called me. I found out they have been bitching terribly about me, behind my back. I don't want them in my life anymore. They are so negative & detrimental to my mental state. I just wish I had the guts to face them and tell them what I really think.
My life just seems like 1 huge fuck up. I don't know why I am even here or what my stupid parents were even thinking when they conceived me.
